Flipping the Table
This is an excerpt from my book, KEEPING YOUR SEAT AT THE TABLE.
Women have worked hard to get a seat at the table. Whose table is it, and who else is there? Why are you there? How do you keep your seat? It is time to make that table ours. How? We must identify both our purpose and the table's purpose. Then, we must reinforce it with a strong foundation. We must designate our seats at the head of the table and take our place strategically. We must also keep the table clear of clutter and vow not to table ourselves. We must not hide under the table but face adversity head-on. We also need to realize it is good to lean on the table and make room for those who support us and promote growth, strength, resilience, and fulfillment.
Table-talk
Tables have a strong sense of purpose: wherever we place them, they are never an afterthought but, rather, a central piece of furniture in a room or the piece of furniture that creates a space, even when placed outdoors. Tables are, quite simply, vital.
The table we talk about in our professional lives is revered. We use the term "having a seat at the table" as one of the markers of someone who has made it, along with a fancy title, a hefty paycheck, and, in the old days, a corner office. Diving deeper, having a seat at the table means we feel valued by our colleagues, senior management, decision-makers, and those calling the shots. It means we are in that club of driving change, success, or both. It means we are respected and listened to at the table. Ultimately, it means we matter.
But that table is almost always someone else's table, a company's, or an industry's. To keep your seat, you need to flip the table that belongs to someone else and create your own that meets your needs and gives you strength: a table that serves the purpose of valuing you, is designed for and by you to promote and support your unique journey, goals, and purpose. The real meaning of the table you are about to create is to value you by supporting you and promoting growth, strength, resilience, and fulfillment in your life. Why? Because every woman deserves a seat at the table.
My journey in keeping my seat and then realizing I needed to build my own table has ultimately been about learning to value myself and my sense of purpose more in every aspect of my life. I have discovered that this concept is the foundation for making choices and decisions that lead to growth, strength, resilience, integrity, and fulfillment in my professional life.
Valuing yourself means that you know that you matter, aim high, have faith in yourself, and commit to doing what it takes to achieve your dreams. It means making decisions and choices that honor your value. It means putting yourself first when you need to and being comfortable with that (something we women don't always practice).
Admittedly, while I was working and caring for a family, I did not do a great job of valuing myself. I have always been too hard on myself. I am a self-described imperfect perfectionist who has never felt quite good enough. I had beaten myself up for way too long instead of growing and moving forward when I made mistakes. I know I am not alone. There are plenty of good and not-so-good reasons not-so-good woman's story is different. Still, what is holding us back?
Author and speaker Bréné Brown will tell you that strength and courage only occur when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, which involves taking risks, showing your emotions without fear, and learning to embrace uncertainty. I find these insights both profound and obvious. Our society has told us differently: that strength is the opposite of being vulnerable. Bréné's research and life's work have turned that concept on its head and have massive implications for how men, in particular, view strength. Society has taught women to turn off their sense of vulnerability to "make it" at work, to succeed, and acquire that coveted seat at the table. I want to pay homage to Bréné because she has confirmed what I have always known: that vulnerability is critical to success.
So, flip the table and get ready to look at yourself differently.
Who sits at your table?
As you read each chapter in the book, remember that you are at the head of your table, but you are not and should not be at the table alone. Consider who needs to be at this new table to support you and help you grow. I call these people Trusted Table Partners. Of course, the obvious choice is people who give you strength. Think of people in your life that help you grow or push you to go beyond your own limits. Who helps you feel resilient, promotes integrity, and enables you to feel fulfilled by pushing your boundaries, challenging you, or mentoring you? Select partners from a vast group I touch on throughout the book's chapters. As you read through, identify those who are already trusted table partners and look to identify others you can invite to the table.
In my journey, I have identified many trusted table partners (both men and women); one of the most important is my twin sister. She is always at the table, supporting me in my efforts, challenging me to grow, and reminding me to never give up on achieving my dreams. Who sits at your table?
Why are you at the table?
We are each at the table for a reason, or perhaps several reasons. So, what is your overarching purpose? I believe everyone needs a purpose in life – a reason for being here beyond themselves- and the new table they create should honor that purpose. Without a purpose, we are aimless and usually unhappy. Those with no purpose tend to focus on material things, routines and getting through life without deep satisfaction. Purpose gives you something to strive for and satisfaction – a deep sense of fulfillment and delight that you've made your mark on this planet by helping others, moving the world forward, creating something, or contributing something positive to society. Purpose is why you are doing something. Legacy, however, is sharing that purpose with others in a way that transcends your life.
Deep down, everyone needs a purpose and wants to leave a legacy. What do you want to contribute to this earth while you are here? Do you want to make an impact, even in some small way?
The man in charge of the construction of Salesforce Tower, the 1,070-foot-tall building in San Francisco completed in 2018 and the tallest building west of the Mississippi, has left the world with quite a visible legacy. He has left his mark with the tower that will be here long after he leaves this earth. After the construction of the building, he retired, and now he is devoting time to his purpose and legacy. You'd think that building would be enough, but it's not. His retirement project is what he feels is his purpose and legacy. He is writing a novel, which he's always wanted to do, and it brings him great joy. As a physicist and engineer, he never saw himself as a writer, certainly not a good one, but he has a story he wants to share. That shows that your real legacy doesn't have to be so big that it towers over everything else. It should give you a great sense of satisfaction, and, ideally, it’s a project you can share with others. The author’s name is Robert Kain, and his book is in progress.
Defining your purpose, committing to it, fully embracing the journey, and growing from it is the key to keeping your seat and creating a strong table to support you. I believe we must be courageous and identify our overarching purpose, which is our reason for being here. If we have more than one that is entirely reasonable. We must choose one purpose we are passionate about and commit to that purpose and ourselves. Even more valuable than the purpose itself, it is our journey in achieving it. Watch for value and growth in every step. That takes vulnerability and an impressive attitude, and from that process comes real strength.
The table, as I define it, is, therefore, not some glorious place where you are invited by others, respected because you've made it, and a symbol of your success. It is a structure that you build to support your journey and your purpose.
I would like to see hiring managers ask questions that get to the heart of a person and what value they can add to the organization with questions like these:
· "Tell me about your table?"
· "Who's at your table?"
· "Tell me about a time when you felt pulled under the table and how you handled it."
I can't pick one purpose that captures my dreams, ambitions, and passions in life, so instead of limiting myself to one, I focus on what I love to do the most. So, here is my journey.
Wham bam, thank you (old), ma'am
After several years of consulting, I needed to return to work for an employer full-time. Even when I started consulting, I needed to look for a full-time job when my husband lost his job in 2012, just a few months after I lost mine, and I decided to consult part-time. After six months of trying to find a job, I decided that job hunting was ruining my self-esteem. I focused solely on consulting, which paid off for several years. During those years, I continued to apply for full-time employment if an opportunity was too good to pass up or a perfect fit. The answer was always no, no, and no. So, I would waver between a few months of serious looking, return to consulting, and then start looking again.
Then, after several years, I wanted the consistent revenue of regular employment, benefits, and the camaraderie of being on a team. I was exhausted from juggling clients with conflicting time demands. I started applying for jobs people told me about or found through job search engines. I used my connections and references in almost every case. I got nothing. I came in second or third if I got an interview, sometimes made it through multiple rounds, and often never even got a response. I was shocked at how long the process took for many corporations – months and months, and there was never any feedback as to why (for legal purposes, no doubt). The whole process was disheartening and rocked my self-esteem. I began to doubt myself and my abilities. I cried to my sister and leaned on her for support, encouragement, brainstorming, pep talks, and advice.
I was reminded, in a subtle and legally appropriate way, that I was too old, that my experience was "too vast," that my salary expectations were too high, that they were looking for someone "mid-career," and that I wasn't a "good fit."
It was time to look honestly at how I came across to others. I started by taking a hard look in the mirror. Thanks to genetics, I have always looked years younger than I am and spent most of my young adult life trying to convince peers, superiors, and direct reports (mostly older men) that I was capable and mature enough to handle the job. Suddenly, I faced trying to convince hiring managers (all younger) that I was capable, adaptable, and young enough to handle the job. Studies have shown that in Silicon Valley, workers in their late 30s have trouble finding jobs in the tech sector, and it is much harder for those in their 40s and 50s in all sectors[1]. Ageism is alive, and well, I learned.
Even while writing this book, I applied again for what I mistakenly thought was a perfect job for me and for which I was 100% qualified. I got an email telling me I was not, yet another smack in the face reminder that ageism is alive and well.
I leaned on my sister more than ever to help keep my spirits up during this time. I also contacted several women, including one who had declined to hire me, to learn more. The process launched a professional upheaval and reassessment about what I wanted to do with my life, what my passion truly was, and why I was doing what I was doing.
I learned that the best way to fight ageism is to listen to it. What was the universe telling me? How could I learn from it? Could I identify what I truly wanted and vow to do what it takes to get there? Could I execute a well-thought-out plan to shift gears?
The universe was trying to tell me something important when I struggled to get hired for jobs for which I was well-qualified. To help me better understand what was going on, I researched ageism and why women my age tend to have such a hard time getting hired. What I learned was eye-opening and maddening. Did you know it takes the average 50-year-old woman 500 job applications before being hired? 500! I still have a hard time accepting that number as truth.
I learned that the need for professional development never stops and that older women tend to resist professional development and instead grow tired and complacent. I also learned that older women often aren't hired because the hiring manager doesn't think she'll be a good fit for the company. Older women can come across as not listening to others, dismissing younger talent, being out of touch with needed skills, and on and on. I heard that older women don't embrace the corporate culture and have biases against young people, working hard, senior leadership, team culture, etc. UGGH! And all this information came from women in professional development and human resources. Wow! Do male candidates not have any of these characteristics as they age, I wondered? As I said, ageism is alive and well.
I decided to go back and ask myself if maybe I didn't get some of these jobs because of the issues I learned about, and the answer was yes, probably. So, I asked myself what I was looking for besides a good job and decided it was one where I could apply my talents, be paid well, and have stability. It was time to listen to the universe and, most importantly, myself. It was time to identify my needs, commit to meeting them, and execute a plan.
What was it that I craved and wanted to do in my career? It turns out that I have always loved, above all, the writing and creating parts of my job. I had a thirty-year career in urban planning and development, but what I loved most about it was writing and creating. Ironically, I learned this by not getting hired and writing about my journey.
Many years ago, I went to a conference where Bert and John Jacobs, founders of the apparel company Life is Good, were the keynote speakers. Their message resonated: do what you love; love what you do. They had the passion, the dream, and the drive to make it happen – all from a t-shirt that says, "Life is Good." We want a good life and a fulfilling career. We want to leave our mark on society. We want to do good, make a difference, and change the world in some small way. And we want to enjoy the ride. While there are limitless ways to do that, each of us has a calling. Once I figured out my calling, I simply stopped, decided to continue consulting, and get to work writing in every spare moment.
Making the commitment to do what is needed means never giving up on your dreams. Even if you only work at it a tiny bit every day, staying committed means you don't give up on yourself or your dreams.
This theme of never giving up works its way into every chapter in this book. It is essential for a fulfilling life.
Executing a plan means doing the work to get it done in a well-thought-out way. It is not just spinning your wheels. It means having goals, milestones, a schedule, a budget, planning, and accomplishing small and significant steps.
The culmination of the process was that I stopped looking for a job and started writing. To cap off the irony of my journey, one of my clients hired me during this process.
MYOB: mind your own bliss
I took a hard look at the table at which I thought I was supposed to be seated. I realized that a primary reason that seat was slipping away was that my passion, drive, and motivation to be there were also slipping. I looked forward to retirement more than 50-hour work weeks at an excellent job. The energy and commitment required to give it my all left little room for life balance and exploration of other pursuits. I not so secretly found myself relieved when job offers didn't come and rationalized the "it wasn't meant to be" scenarios: the commute would have done me in, I don't want to work for a big corporate or government entity, I don't want to deal with the politics of an organization, the job felt too limiting, it's a step-down, I love being able to go to the store in the middle of the day, the chickens couldn't have outside time…. Whatever the reason I was glad it didn't work out, I always found one. I faced the truth and found the courage to admit I was slipping away from the corporate table. It wasn't simply because I am older, overqualified, too expensive, and a woman, but because my heart wasn't totally in it anymore, which had to be somewhat apparent to the people interviewing me.
Keeping your seat at the table requires having your heart all in. It means doing what you love and loving what you do. You will not want to stay at the table if it doesn't fuel your passions and provide you with the opportunity to grow.
I abruptly abandoned my job hunt and instead decided to write a book about the experience as an outlet for being upset and start a company instead of joining one. I developed a tech company - an app concept for helping public officials to manage social media. I joined an incubator group to help support and guide me through the process. Through the process of that group, I realized that passion and purpose are critical elements of keeping your seat at the table.
One simple question from the incubator program changed my journey: "What is the one thing you don't want to lose? In other words, what would hurt the most if you lost it or the opportunity to do it?" It was not forming a company to develop an app, even though I was excited about that. The one thing for me is writing. I then tabled the app concept (pun intended) for a later time (or maybe never) and chose to commit to my writing.
Commitment is a crucial element to keeping your seat at the table. And doing what you love takes dedication, perseverance, and hard work. When Lady Gaga got up on stage and won her Oscar for "Shallow" in 2019, she almost cried during her speech and reminded us "this wasn't easy. It was a lot of hard work." No one who goes after their passion finds it easily. To achieve their goals, one has to stay focused, hone in on opportunities that reinforce their goals, and have a clear vision even if it seems unrealistic. The risk is great, but the rewards are greater. Here is Lady Gaga's speech at the Oscar's, on February 9, 2019:
And if you are at home, and you're sitting on your couch, and you're watching this right now, all I have to say is that this is hard work. I've worked hard for a long time, and it's not about, you know... it's not about winning. But what it's about is not giving up. If you have a dream, fight for it. There's a discipline for passion. And it's not about how many times you get rejected, or you fall down, or you're beaten up. It's about how many times you stand up and are brave, and you keep on going.
I love these words of wisdom and truth from Lady Gaga. Living your purpose and keeping your seat at the table takes hard work and dedication, and there is no other way around it. If you want it, you have to work hard.
I didn't start this journey by saying, "I am going to be a writer." I began by recognizing what gave me the most satisfaction and joy in my work and the one thing I didn't want to lose no matter what I was doing. My consulting career enabled me to do a lot of what I love to do. However, it is interesting to look back at my life and realize that my passion for writing was always there, lurking just below the surface. I got great satisfaction from creating magazines or newsletters as a kid; I majored in English in college and almost went to New York to break into the publishing industry. I have written bits, pieces, and the beginnings of books throughout my life.
Another essential part of this self-assessment was identifying what I don't like to do, what I'm not good at, or what leads to anxiety and stress in my work. With years of experience under my belt, it is freeing me to take a hard look in the mirror and admit my strengths, weaknesses, joys, and dislikes in a way I could not articulate twenty years ago. I try to use that self-awareness to guide me in my work, purpose, and legacy.
I also remind myself to leave room for what I haven't yet experienced or discovered. Whether it's my bucket list of places to go, books to read, or things to do, my bliss, purpose, and legacy are fluid enough to allow me to grow.
Most of us need to support ourselves financially and don't have the luxury of combining how we earn a living and what we love to do most. We can do this with the experience and resources we've built over our careers. Yes, we can. Why can't our purpose support us financially?
A few years ago, I dropped off my kids at an upscale shopping mall in Silicon Valley and headed home in my old car. When I stopped at a light, I noticed a young man in a red Ferrari convertible behind me. He looked about 25 and brushed his fingers through his blond hair as he stared into the rearview mirror, enjoying the view and feeling good about himself. He was most likely one of these recent Facebook or tech millionaires. And I thought to myself (not that I care about having a red Ferrari because I don't), "What does this kid have that I don't have?" And then I thought, "I am smarter than him, way more experienced, more resourceful, more connected, and probably more creative." And at that moment, I challenged myself to make $10 million. Not because I need $10 million, but because I want to prove I can. What is the true difference between that kid driving the Ferrari and me? Sure, a little luck perhaps or maybe being born into wealth or being in the right place at the right time in his tech job, but more than likely, it is determination, hard work, and a clear vision.
Since then, I have been more purposeful about my financial future, looked for monetization opportunities, and I am committed to creating revenue streams connected to my purpose. I'm no longer challenging myself to a specific dollar amount. I am challenging myself and committed to eventually supplementing my income from doing what I love.
Bucket list basics
I have always been a dreamer and an explorer, and since college, I've kept a bucket list. I view bucket lists as essential to exploration, adventure, and learning. This list began when I studied abroad in Europe for my junior year. With the dollar strong, supportive parents, savings from my summer jobs, tuition covered with a scholarship, and armed with an inexpensive Interrail monthly pass for residents, my friends and I could explore new places nearly every weekend. The Art and Architecture of Europe professor recommended visiting buildings to learn about history and architecture, to hear the acoustics, or to see a particular painting in a gallery; of course, we were perfectly happy staying in student-style accommodations, which occasionally meant sleeping in the train station or on a bench. Sometimes our journeys began Thursday afternoons because we had every Friday off by rolling the dice to determine our track number and going wherever the train took us. There was no smartphone, no Google map, no Airbnb. We exited the train, looked on the accommodations board to find an inexpensive bed and breakfast (usually the equivalent of $10 per night per person), and always prevailed. Our journeys took us to myriad destinations where we absorbed walks through town, coffee at cafes and museums, cathedrals, and views. We went to Italy, Greece, London, Prague, Paris, Budapest, Amsterdam, St. Petersburg, the Matterhorn, and many other destinations. I became nearly fluent in German after a year in Vienna. My year abroad taught me about diversity, language, music, history, the arts, perspective, and how others view the USA. It was the year of being a sponge and of phenomenal growth.
I realized then and now how fortunate I was to attend a highly ranked college and study abroad. My parents, who had divorced when I was young and had financial difficulties, had no means to send me to college. I worked hard in school and landed a full scholarship to a great school, but one that knocked my self-esteem down as I struggled to get A's and worked harder than ever for those B's. But my college experience taught me three overarching skills: how to write, how to think critically, and to develop a lifelong love of learning and exploring. My four years at Grinnell also provided a valuable lesson in growth – that it doesn't happen without hard work, challenge, being uncomfortable, and sometimes even failing.
Since those days, I think everyone needs a bucket list. It needs to grow over time to give you dreams and goals throughout your life. For some people, their purpose is their bucket list because it gives them something to yearn for, strive for, and live for. As I refine my list (a regular activity), I always consider ways to monetize items on the list to make a living while living my list.
Bucket lists are beautiful because there are no rules, and no one can tell you what should or should not be on your bucket list. So, grab a piece of paper and start writing your list. It can be as long or as short as you'd like but make a promise to yourself to live your list. There is no point in saving everything for later because you never know where life's twists and turns will take you. You might find yourself unable to do certain things due to your circumstances. Every time you check something off, add something new. And instead of saying to yourself, "It's just a bucket list; I'm not going to do anything on the list," persevere and make plans so that you can! Here are my bucket list basics:
Have at least ten things on the list and include challenges, adventures, things that make you think, things that give you a new perspective, and things you've always wanted.
Include both achievable goals and seemingly impossible dreams.
Check off at least one thing on the list every year.
Add to the list at least once a year.
Include items on the list that involve others, some things you can do alone, and others you can do with people you care about or help you get there.
Include a few bucket list items that are completely free (or that can be done in bed while sick or recovering from surgery or on a rainy day).
Include paid work on the list – dream jobs, dream work, dream travel, dream projects, paid dreams.
Include places, people, and things - nouns and feelings you want to experience, fears you want to overcome, risks to take, and something you want to learn.
Include things you can do now and things that have to wait until later.
Dream big.
Dream often.
What about regrets and mistakes? Living a life of no regrets is possible but requires a growth mindset since we all make mistakes and wish we'd done things differently. You can't grow if you don't make mistakes or fail once in a while, and living your list means growing and taking risks. It is possible to live a life of no regrets if one continues to grow and gain strength and resilience from each experience, even if it's painful. This growth is the key to the difference between someone who has endured a lot of hardship and still manages to live a fulfilling and inspiring life and someone who wants to crawl under a rock and die. We all have the power and the choice to learn, grow, and inspire others, regardless of our circumstances. And, if you think about it, that power comes from loving yourself enough to heal, be fulfilled, and inspire others no matter what. Living your bucket list means taking risks, including the risk of mistakes. But the rewards are enormous.
Legacy dad
If legacy is sharing your purpose with others in a way that transcends your life, doesn't that take effort and planning? Not necessarily. My friend Artemis has done many, many things in his life. He has been an investor, a founder of many companies, an inventor, and now a filmmaker. One of his films, Defying the Nazis: The Sharps' War, has played worldwide and on PBS and is now a part of many school curricula throughout the country. What a legacy! When I saw him recently and talked about his film and what an impact it has made, he suddenly changed the conversation. He told me that he only wants to be known for being a great dad. That's it. I love this example because his purpose is to share stories and valuable history through film. Still, his legacy, which he wants to transcend his life, is for his approach to fatherhood to be passed down through his children. Artemis is an excellent example of the idea that legacy and purpose can be completely unrelated, and legacy does not have to be widespread or benefit a large community. It can be as big or as small as you want it to be as long as it gives you a great sense of pride and joy.
Summary
Flipping the table starts with valuing yourself, identifying what gives you satisfaction, joy, excitement, and fulfillment, and what you want to pass on to others – your purpose and legacy. You are committing to yourself and your table. You must be willing to do the work to live your purpose and legacy and learn and grow from the journey. You must also recognize that you can't do it alone. You must invite others who help you grow and support you to help you find strength, resilience, integrity, and fulfillment on your journey. Creating your table involves small dreams, big dreams, small risks, big risks, big commitments, and lots of growth along the way.
We all have the opportunity to leave a legacy once we are gone from this earth. What is the one thing you love to do that you can't imagine losing? What do you want to contribute? What excites you? That is the top of your table.
In the chapters that follow, you will learn how to build a strong foundation, recognize what you need to clear off the table, how to show up to your table, why you might be tabling yourself, and what might pull you under the table, and how to address it, how to leverage what you bring to the table, and how to invite the right people to the table to lean on for strategic support in your journey.
Do you think you can't achieve what you want to do? You can commit yourself and lean on others strategically by looking deep inside. And, if you are stuck here on this first chapter of figuring out what it is you want to do and can't seem to pick one overarching purpose, then choose one to get you started. If it changes along the journey, that is simply part of the growth process.
As you think about this new table you are creating instead of the table of success in someone's corporate board room, lay your heart all out on the table – identify and commit to a purpose and legacy and create a bucket list to ensure you are always chasing your dreams.
[1] Visier Insights Report ™, The Truth About Ageism in the Tech Industry, September 2017
